“It’s all about the Journey” The aftermath

WOW, How do you even survive with so many bills, bills, and more bills?  We have so many bills, that I do not even know where or who they are coming from, and they just seem so random.  Collectors, etc., I have gotten so depressed that I can not even talk about it anymore.  I know that God is good, I just can not wrapped myself around all of those bills.  I have been without work for one year, partly because the job that had been so far away that I could not physically handle the drive without pain and discomfort in my arms.  My arms just sometimes go numb as I am driving long distances, and where I was working was 65 miles from my house, one way.

Although I have not had to have chemo or radiation, I having to deal with all of these skin disorders as a result from all of the stress.  My hair was falling out, and even though I have a lot of hair, it is just coming out in clumps sometimes.  I have began to have eczema on my scalp and on my face and legs. At one point it was so red that I did not know what to do and nothing was working to get rid of it.

After my last surgery in December 2012, I was so weak, I think more than the first one.  This was my last reconstruction surgery, and now six months later, I have finished my tattooing, since I was unable to have nipple sparing, I just had them tattooed on.  That was an interesting, and since I do not have any feeling in my skin right there yet, there was no pain.  Some of our friends were teasing me saying I was still at “Tat Virgin”, since there was no pain, but I just simply replied that I had my pain when they removed them in the first place, so it counts.. LOL

You know now that I look back, and it has been almost a year, I would do it all over again.  If I had to change anything at all, it would be the stress and all of the tears that my husband has had to go through.  My husband has been my superman.  He has loved me, held me and just say to me with his eye’s that it is going to be O.K.  There are some days where I do feel so unattractive, not pretty at all.  I have gained so much weight and I feel like instead of looking like a survivor, I look like a beached whale.   I am just hoping that I have the endurance to go through one more thing and that is trying to get my life back on track and my weight down.  OK  65 pounds to go.  I am trying so hard not to get my hair cut.  I think us as women cut out hair as one of the first immediate things that we can do to change our appearance.  I have grown my hair out since 2004 and it is almost to my goal down to my waist.  I am so glad that I did not lose my hair.

One thing that some that most women would not talk about is life after loosing part of our sexuality, but I am not just any women.  I do have to admit that I not pleased to have lost “my girls”, but I have to say I was glad for the actual reduction in size, my back does not hurt anymore, and I do believe that a lot of my pain was associated with that.

Some of the questions that no one wants to ask, but they do is.. “What does your husband think?”  Well, I try not to go there very often, because I want to respect his emotions as well as his integrity and certainly in this post, but what I can say is that it has been difficult to say the least and it has been very traumatic to him, it is not the same and never will be the same again.  I have a lot of scaring and a lot of loss and I look completely different, the implants are not the same and not what I thought they would be.  But I do think that once I loose the weight that I gain this last year, I think that I might have a different opinion about that later.

God has taken care of us, through so many things.  If it were not for the Lord and some really close friends, I am not sure I would have made it through in one piece, pardon the pun…  There is nothing like a little bit of action to make life interesting.  From Infertility, Early Cervical cancer to Pregnancy to Pre-Term labor, to having our beautiful daughter who is now grown, to the loss of our son at birth, and then on to many years of trauma to breast cancer… the Lord has been with us throughout the entire thing.  We have a lot to be thankful for.

Because of our every mounting amount of bills an account was set up for us to help us in our financial recovery.  You can make a donation to the donation account at any Columbia State bank under Mike and Brenda Hannah.

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