When you go through something like breast cancer, there is no way you can possibly describe what you are going through except through the emotions that you either feel or do not feel at the time. So many things go through your mind, like, is my husband going to love me the way that I am? Is my husband going to see me the same way that he seen me the first time? Are my friends going to treat me differently? But, I have to say that you certainly find out who your real friends and family are and how much they all mean to you. So it is not really fair to think that everyone is going to think of you the same way, because things are different and they are not the same, and things will never be the same again, ever.
It was several months later when my emotions started to rise. There are times that I think, Well, I can’t get any uglier, and I can’t get any prettier. My face and skin are so broke out from all of the medication and detoxing that I had to have. I have no breasts, and everything that I have is fake, and I can not feel them anyway, so what’s the point of reconstruction, just to fit into my clothes, or possibly help with the emotional process. What do I do now? Do I just go back to what I know? Do I just keep going? How do I do that? These are all questions that you ask yourself. So now I just have to find the beauty that others see in me, the beauty that lays far beyond the physical outward appearance, and began to feel as well as see the inter beauty that God made in me.
When I had my initial surgery, a double mastectomy on July 3rd, 2012, I never ever had any question in my mind that I would not have it done. I did not ever think that I wouldn’t. I have such confidence in my God.
Since I had the surgery I feel so much better. It took 5 months to have my last and final reconstruction process with the permanent implants. Even though I look fine, I still feel a little weak and not as vibrant as I once was, but I am getting better everyday.
So, the question that we can all ask ourselves, those of us who have gone through all of these types of things, and those of us who have walked it with others. I can say that I have walked breast cancer with 6 friends all at the same time, is how are we going to walk through something like this? Are we going to walk through it angry, sad or positive. I chose to walk it in a positive way, because I knew that I could not do it any other way. And to be quite honest it was not that difficult. I have great friends and family that took care of me.
God is so much bigger than “Cancer”, the enemy would like for you to think that he’s got you, but, MY GOD has my back. Oh Lord, you are a shield about me! Yep, He has your covered and then some.
When I went in for the surgery that morning, I just went in peaceful and came out peaceful, that is God.. meanwhile I did not know I stopped breathing at the end of my surgery, and my husband was out in the lobby pacing and crying the entire time.. how blessed I am to have a husband like that, and my daughter, well, I can not say enough about her, what an amazing daughter that I have that prays for me and stands in the gap and tells me, “Mom” you are going to beat this thing.. WOW! How anointed is that… my very best friend and parents standing in the gap for me.
There is nothing bigger than my God, and I do not have to worry about tomorrow, because I know who holds my future.
It is kind of funny when people are looking at you wondering what you had done as if you had a complete body makeover or something. They look down while they talk to you as if they do not want to face the fact that you are a lot smaller or larger than you were before the surgery… lol I just chuckle.
But really, I just figured that I had nothing to complain about, and if it was my time, it was my time, and I go to be with the Lord and my little son that is in heaven before me. But in all seriousness.. God knows your every need. You might be in the middle of your chemo right now or radiation, or waiting for results, but God’s got your back in ever situation. It may not seem like it when you are so sick you can not make it out of the bathroom or when you can not make it one step down the hall, but He knows your name and knows everything about you. He knows how many hairs are on your head and how many you shaved off or lost. Some of us have gained a new hair color, and new hair texture… but He still has our back.
You know when I was going through the reconstruction part, when I had to go get my injections every week, I thought to myself… this is the craziest thing that I have ever had to do, and it hurt.. not all of the time, but sometimes I would just get this zinger that would hurt so bad.. while they were poking the needle in, but all of the time I was building a relationship with my nurse that was so wonderful and now we are great friends.. and all of the appointments that I had to have for physical therapy, and all of those appointments for biopsies, I was building relationships with those patients in the same place I was in and the doctors and people who may have not known WHO the God I serve is until we spoke.. So even in the midst of the trial, the Holy Spirit was still in operation. That just WOW”S me…
So if you are one of those one’s that have been diagnosed with stage 3 and stage 4 or whatever stage you are in. Whether you have had a lumpectomy or a partial or full mastectomy… God is still our healer and restorer.. and there can still be a miracle on the way for you. Serve Him in your weakness, because He is your strength….