My Heartsong

In the year of 2003, we had to walk through one of the most difficult times in our lives.   Taking you back a few years earlier in 1995 we were blessed with a beautiful baby girl.  It was definitely not a perfect pregnancy.  About a month before I found out that I was pregnant, I found out that I had the beginnings of cervical cancer, and then I found out I was pregnant at my next appointment, so we had to wait my entire pregnancy for them to do be able to do anything about it and when our daughter was 6 months old I had surgery, and have never had it again.  God is good.

While I was in my first pregnancy, I got laid off from my job a week after I found out I was pregnant, but that was blessing in disguise, because I was so sick I could not eat, I could not sleep for three months…yuck….everything was going really well, and when I got to my 3rd month, I got a temporary job, and then in my 5th month I got moved to another job, and that was just the Lords hand on me navigating my life for my protection and the protection of our little baby.

To our terror, in my 25th week I went into pre-term labor, in which I was put on strict bed rest, I was dilated to 4 already, and I did not know it. I was on a IV 24 hours a day, had to lay in bed 24 hours a day for 2 and half months.  If God had not moved me to another job two blocks from the hospital I would have definitely went into full-blown labor.  They were able to keep me from going into labor for those months while I was in bed.

Then to our surprise the day after Thanksgiving, my water broke, and we went to the hospital to have our baby by C-Section because she was breach in which we found out later the reason for that was because I was born with a congenital birth defect called bi-corneal uterus, and that is where your uterus is only about half the size of a normal uterus, and that is the reason for the pre-term labor and for experiencing many years of infertility.

At the hospital I gave God my demands, and said to him, I must have a 5 lb baby with no tubes normal and healthy baby, and nothing less and no additional hospital stay. The doctors all said that our baby would be no more than 3 lbs and would be immediately transferred to the university hospital, well they were wrong and God intervened.

We had a very vibrant screaming  5 lb 1 oz perfect little girl…and she was only in ICU for 30 minutes, and I was able to take her home after I was able to after having a C-Section.  It was awesome.  I know that God added that extra oz to prove to Mike and I that he was listening to our heart cry.

Well, it took us 8 more years to have a healthy pregnancy, so in 2003 finally were able to conceive and have a viable pregnancy, all was normal, but I was being carefully look after because of my previous pre-term pregnancy.

I had all the support and prayers from all my family and loved ones and close friends.  My heart was so trusting to the Lord, that I did not really worry about anything and just being realistic and mindful of my tender condition, because once you have been through it once you know the signs of trouble.

Well that day came for us on Christmas Eve 2003.  About 3 days prior, I knew that something was not right, and I just talked to the Lord about it, I had such peace, but my heart was heavy and I told the Lord, that this has to work, I must have this baby, I must have a son for my husband and my daughter so that she does not grow up with any siblings.  At that time we did not know that it was a boy.

For years, I just asked the Lord to #1 Be pregnant again , #2 Have a little boy for my husband #3 Have a normal delivery or be able to have a vaginal birth instead of a C-Section.

At 23 and 1/2 weeks, on Christmas morning, I had a little baby boy, as he was wrapped up and given to my husband, we were told that he would not survive and there was nothing that they could do… What do you say at that point? I was in such a state of shock and my husband too, he was thinking I would just get the medication like before and it would all be good to go, well that did not happen this time.

They handed us our son, at just 14 oz almost 15 oz perfectly formed in every way, he looked exactly like my husband, a little clef chin, and Michaela’s nose and my feet hands.

My husband and I just talked a few minutes while everyone in the room left us alone, and we asked each other “Do we pray for him?” “Do we command life back into him?”  Because at this point he was breathing very shallow, and I just said to my husband, he has to have a name, you need to name him…and he did….then my husband lovingly asked me if I wanted to hold him, and handed him to me as I said “Yes”, I quietly sang to him “Jesus loves me” and spoke to him, he turned his head to my voice as I spoke his name, and then Mike then dedicated him to the Lord as he would have done for any other baby, and as we prayed, God gave us such peace, and then he quietly went home to be with the Lord…

What do you do and what do you say at that moment?  I just tried to memorize everything about him, and we talked as if he would be with us forever, and how much he looked like each one of us… and then after we had some tears we gave him to the nurse, and I fell asleep.

I have never in all my life ever heard my husband cry like he did that next day. I loved my husband at that moment than ever before, and love him greater still and now, each and every day..  Such strength, such love, such patience and perfect heart my husband has for the Lord even in the midst everything.  I have more respect and love for that man than anything…he is so genuine in his love for the Lord, and knows what it means to go through something like that and still love God.  I can’t say that he didn’t have his moments or I mine, but we know God’s love for us, and we had to just stick to our faith walk at that moment, and continue to do it everyday.

I think that we did more ministry that week and that year than anything that we had ever done before in our life.  To have someone who you had been waiting for, for all of your life, lay lifeless in your arms, wow what a moment!

Just a month before I got pregnant my husband he asked the Lord to allow us to have another baby, and that was after waiting eight years.  How do you call on God for something and He gives it to  you for one short hour?  How do you respond to that?

Well, God answered our prayers in every way, now that we look back.  Mike prayed, we got pregnant, we had a son that we longed for, I had the v-back birth that I wanted, and everything that we asked for we got… one thing was missing as we left the hospital, a baby in our arms.

We believe that however we do not have the privilege to raise our son, he is with the Lord and we have to trust that God knew what he was doing.  Although we went through rough moments, and still do from time to time, we know that we had the privilege to see a miracle take place as a result of prayer, it might not have turned out the way that we would have liked, but it was a miracle.

Our Son, was born on the day that we celebrate God’s gift of love to us.  Now, whether or not it is the actual time our Savior was born, it the time that we as a nation Celebrate it, so it is a reminder to us that our God, gave His son to be born for our salvation, to die on the cross so that we may be able to have the opportunity to accept him as our Lord, as that He died so that we can have life.

Our God, gave His son for us…as a gift..and we received our son for a few short moments as a gift to remind us of the miracle of life, and the miracle as a result of our prayers that we in turn dedicated him back to the Lord as an act of faith on our part, that God loves us no matter what…and that we will see our son one day because we gave our hearts to the Lord long ago.

If you don’t know the Lord, I hope as a result of our heart song and story, that if you have loved ones that have gone on before you to heaven, or little one’s, and you want to see them again, and you want to be sure.  Pray this prayer with us…

Lord I receive your love by faith and I ask you to come into my heart, I believe that you died on the cross for my sins, please come and be the Savior and Lord of my heart.  In Jesus name’ Amen.

It is just that simple. But don’t let it stop there, let us help you find a place where they can help you develop in your new faith.

If you prayed this prayer gave your heart to the Lord as a result of our story, please share with us your experience.  God now holds you in his heart and your name is written in the Lambs book of life.  This is so exciting!

If you have ever experienced anything like this, share with us your story…

Brenda Hannah